You've done nothing...

Blahhhhhhhh

2007-04-10T02:38:32Z

I feel like throwing up everywhere and i feel so sick randomly during the day for the last couple weeks and it's not fun. I don't know what I could eat to not feel nauseous.

That's all. Chris has been asleep since halfway through 24 so i should probably try to sleep a little.

I'm fucking done being friends with boys

2007-03-25T05:19:34Z

Seriously every time I make friends with a heterosexual guy they end up trying to get me in bed. Are there any guys out there that are capable of being just friends with a girl. I mean I've observed it. I don't understand what makes a girl "friend material". And how can I be that?!?!?

I want to beat this one guy from BU has been sending me the grossest IMs and texts and msgs on facebook. He wrote on my facebook wall something like "great sex, i owe you oral" . Seriously I don't get what would ever make a guy do that. I have a boyfriend who could easily beat the piss out of him and he's writing smut like that on my wall. He's the type to date rape girls at parties. That's why I stopped going to parties with him. He sketched me out and wouldn't stop groping me. I drove home completely shitfaced from Allston bc I couldn't be around him. But no I totally want him. RIIGGHHTTTT.

I want this semester to be over with already. I don't want to deal with all the stress i'm under now. I have about a billion assignments due all at once and I have 0 motivation to do them. I'm so bored and fed up with mundane life that I really am stuck. All me and my boy ever do is sit and watch tv and go out maybe once a week. I have no energy for anything else. I only have one day off to actually do stuff and that's only after 4 classes.

stupidness

2007-03-10T04:32:49Z

I'm so sick of immature people. I hate how everyone thinks that they can take their negative bullshit problems out on me. I don't see what I do with my life (or rather don't do) that bothers people so much. Fucking get over it. I'm not going to take your shit. I don't like.. and won't be walked on. People confuse my avoidance of drama by thinking i'm a pushover. Nope. Just really don't care that much about petty bull. I would rather exercise my brain on something other than having to justify actions in a witty retort. I'm not a politician. I have no use for this skill.

I don't understand how someone could actively allow themself to be dependent. If i were to lose someone close to me.. like a parent.. i could still continue with my school career. Whereas many people i know don't even have a job. They get a stipend from their parents. Fucking pathetic. I would feel horrible bleeding my family dry so that i could spend all my time on "school work". Right.. or i take more classes than them and work and do community service and have a boyfriend. I am a young ADULT. Not a child. I haven't been since i was 16. I know what happens when you don't work.. you can't pay for life. These people will get a very rude awakening when their done with their 6 years at a 4 year college and find themselves having to actually get out of bed every MORNING and work.

I'm so sick of being bitched at and accused of being something I'm not. And this time i'm not going to bother trying to reconcile. I don't care. I really would be better off not having to deal with pretending not to be appauled at the stupidity that comes out of their mouth.  I just want to scream.. we're not in High School anymore and everything that you are saying does not matter.  You are a waste of space so either raise your intelligence or quit now.

I am pretty stressed about this whole community service thing. It's gonna be tough to catch up. I have gotten only 20% of my hours done with 50% of the semester done. Ahhhhh! I am definatly going to have to continue my service past the semester.

I really hope that me and my man go to Germany this summer. I really need to get away. I have been working myself so hard and i feel like all the stresses of life are getting to me. If we do go.. we're going all around Europe. I really want to see Paris.. because all i've ever seen of France is the rural part near Rheinland-Pfalz and that's really nothing special.

Alright I'm going to bed. I have WORK in the a.m.

Steal the only breath from my lungs...

2007-02-20T19:20:37Z

So i have had this miserable back pain for about a week now and i'm finally making an appointment. Ouch ouch ouch!!!

I just realized i don't really feel like writing. I think I'm going to read or something.

damn no

2007-01-30T05:09:52Z

I'm so excited because i don't have anything but a vet appt for noah and 1 class tommorow. That's a big difference from today where i had 4 freakin classes in a row.

Brr it's cold. I'm rethinking the whole tropical vacation thing. Chris wanted to go to somewhere tropical but I wanted to go to Europe this summer. But then again it's summer so i think that maybe it would be better to go to Europe. Plus I haven't ever gone more than 2 years without seeing Deutschland and i don't want to start now. So i guess maybe next winter we can go somewhere nice and close to the equator.

I just learned Noah's life expectency is 17. That's so long! Yayyy! My baby's are gonna grow up with my baby. haha.

Okay well i think that i'm going to sleep now. I've had a very long day.

bushatemybaby @ 2007-01-14T17:40:00

2007-01-14T23:08:18Z

I hate this weather. I think I am getting sick yet again. This sucks. I had to work 6-3 this morning only to work a 10 hour shift tommorow. Oh well.. at least my baby's gonna be waiting for me when i get home :D.

Noah has been so good and sedate lately. Except for the whole pooping in my shoe incident. But he's been actually going to his bed in his crate to sleep on his own. It's soooo cute! His begging for food is not nearly as aggressive as it used to be. My little baby is growing up!!

Anyways so classes start on tuesday and i have to finish reading this book. I only have 70 or so pages to go so i'm almost done. And seeing as I'm entirely too sore to leave the house tonight.. i will probably do it tonight.

I really don't have anything to write about. blah.

i am in love.. with music!

2007-01-04T07:07:04Z

I seriously need to go to some concerts. I am listening to the new ams and i'm in such a good mood. Even though I'm all congested. I want to do a study on the correlation between music and mood. Because there are always stories on the news about teens committing suicide with particular songs on repeat. Now I don't think the songs caused them to do this.. but i wonder if the mood set by such music made the person feel like.. more comfortable about it. Comfortable isn't the right word.. like they weren't alone.. or like they are doing something beautiful. Sick.. yes.. but maybe in the mind of a depressed person this seems rational. Much like non-depressed people put on Christmas music to get in the spirit while decorating the tree.. depressed people put on their music of choice to get in the mood to end their lives.

Weak for lack of oxygen
Strangled by the thought
Promise you'll remember when I'm gone
Sleep is mostly optional
Trace lines around my heart
Steal the only breath from my lungs
But if I had your faith
I'd be fearless
But until that day
I'm envious

But if you're awake
Tell me it's safe
If you ask me to stay
Then I'll stay
Don't leave me here when I'm bleeding
When I'm fading but I'm true
It's tempting to stop everything
When I'm pouring out to you
So take everything, take it all from me
Because all I want is you

I just got a syllabus and assignment from my community psych course.. and it says that i need to commit 5 hours a week to volunteering with the needy.. I'm very excited about this. I think this will be a very good experience. Even though I probably wont get to work as much. Whatever.. I'm working toward my career rather then counting other peoples' money. Not worth it so much.

Okay I'm going to attempt to sleep or something.. Probably something. Okay ciao fuckers!!!!!!!!!

i have come to a conclusion..

2006-12-14T23:17:57Z

I need to throw a new years party. it's decided. i don't want to do it at my house tho bc my parents will be there and that would be borrriiinggg. so i think that i am going to volunteer someone's apartment that i know.. cough cough.

that's all. i have to make dinner now.

Haha

2006-12-13T20:18:40Z

Hey.. did you guys know that i'm super hurt and insulted by people i don't know taking time out of their day to tell me that they think i'm ugly? Even though they don't leave their names bc they're PUSSY? Omg i'm soooo crying myself to sleep everynight thinking about how these people i probably don't know hate me. booo hooo hooo

Grow up.

we're not 12 anymore. i don't care.

and that's the last i will write about this.

Gay!

2006-12-12T17:31:39Z

So I heard some std infested manwhore from ULowell put the link to my LJ on his facebook. I met him like 3 times and never did anything or said anything bad about him and he's harassing me hardcore. Telling me he hopes my puppy dies. Wow I didn't realize that we were 12.

get over me

2006-12-12T00:06:05Z

Okay.. so i was drunk and said soe mean stuff.. fucking get over it. I don't want to have gangs start up on both sides against eachother just because a 2 MONTH relationship didn't work. it's not that big of a deal.

But apparently i'm just so fucking important that everyone needs to talk about me.

Anyways.. i'm going to study and talk to my love. don't bother replying if you have nothing good to say. i really don't care

done with boyss.. on to a man

2006-12-11T19:36:13Z

Where do I begin? So I'm back with the love of my life. He called me on friday and we talked and i realized just how much i missed him. Well.. i have missed him since we broke up. But i just stopped being mad at him and realized what an amazing thing we had. And we threw it out because of stupid shit.

It's wonderful. I feel like a pressure has been lifted off my chest. I don't have to fake being happy. And pretend like i actually am proud of the person i'm with. Now i am! There's so many things to look forward to! Like going to germany. I can't wait!!! And going to New York. And spending christmas with people i can actually relate to. We were meant to be together. I don't even understand why I thought that i could find love that was nearly as amazing as with Chris.  We knew we were perfect by the 3rd date. We are perfect. We went out to dinner and shopping and then snuggled the rest of the night. It felt so comfortable.  He really loves me. He waited for me. And it's not like he can't get ANYONE he wants. But he wanted me. And he got me. Forever!!

I don't know what i was thinking. I shouldn't have pretended to feel for my ex. I found myself more and more repulsed by my situation(and bf) everyday. I hated having to pay for everything all the time. I mean.. yes i offer. You don't have to take me up on it everyday. And i love how he claims that he didn't really love me.. yet he's the one that emailed me love letters all the time and called me like 24/7. I guess he is just afraid that i would find someone better because i'm too good for him. Which was very intuitive. Because i found myself getting more and more annoyed with him everyday. And telling him what i really felt hidden under the facade of joking. Ha. Like seriously.. he's such a bum. He is taking one class which he is failing. I doubt that he's even going to be allowed on campus housing.

I think i was just with him to not be alone in attempt at getting over Chris. But i never did. I kinda feel bad because I told Matt everything that i really thought.. but then again i don't because he was a jerk. And i have to admit.. everyone was right about him. I'm out of his league.

Okay enough of that. Closing that chapter of my book.

I am going to study for my stats final.. eventually and maybe take a nap considering i haven't gotten much sleep lately. Reply.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-11-16T04:47:24Z

I cant wait until this semester is over. I feel like i'm not doing anything socially. Like i'm a mommy haha

Noah is having a puppy dream and it's so cute. Earlier he saw himself in the mirror and barked like crazy.. also the first time he REALLY barked. haha. He's my little walNUT.

Okay well i have like nothing to say.. okay peace

bushatemybaby @ 2006-11-09T02:12:00

2006-11-09T06:12:44Z

eww boys suck

so i have the cutest puppy EVER! his name is Noah and he's my little babyy.

i'm so sick of certain bs that i'm going to put in a friends only post bc i don't want certain individuals reading it

bushatemybaby @ 2006-10-22T23:18:00

2006-10-23T03:21:06Z

I'm so sick of my job

i might work somewhere new.. and work only a couple days at mb

okay that's all

bushatemybaby @ 2006-10-19T11:32:00

2006-10-19T15:32:46Z

down to 129 bitches.. and i don't even try.

that's all

"friends"

2006-10-17T15:51:00Z

Okay so i love how i'm the one to blame when some stupid person i don't even know starts shit with me. She calls me ugly and "jealous" and the second i call her FAT(which is the only true statement coming out of either of us) i'm the bitch. Well you know what? Fuck that shit. I'm done with fucking drama queens and girls that think that they're the shit.

I'm reverting back to my old friends. I can't deal with all this bullshit. I'm through

Fatty fat fat fat shes a fucking bullllllmooooooose

haha

2006-10-17T04:10:35Z

Wow people are pathetic

Ha. Wow i work too much. At least i'm not lazy. I have a future.

I love how people still go by "leagues". Like some girl told chris she was not in his league bc she saw me..and apparently i'm so gorgeous that she has no chance with him. Last time i checked.. i always look like shit at work. so this girl must be fucking hideous.

I need a new job. Something that actually pays me. I wish i got into modeling more when i was younger. I would be so paid right now. I have that eastern-european look.. even thought i'm def not. I might be half-dead but at least i wouldn't always be worrying about money. Oh well.. at least this way i have a functioning brain. I don't think i would be very good at being ignorant. I am surrounded by those who are and i can't stand them. I don't know what i would do if i didn't know why i couldn't stand them. Ha.

I should be a philosopher. I would be good at it. I always think about human nature and wonder how we are. What we are. How what we are can be so. Why? I could make a fortune. And everyone would hate me. Because i know who everyone really is. I'm just too nice to say it. And they don't understand how i know and they don't believe.

Yeah i'm definatly in love. Kinda scary. I am soooooooo happy though

Okay i am going to go do something. Yep! Peace!

bushatemybaby @ 2006-10-15T16:12:00

2006-10-15T16:15:55Z

Yawn

i'm tired

and i'm sick of ppl being mad at me

because i never intentionally do anything mean

okay i'm going to go eat some lunch or something and take a showa

if you can't tell i'm tryin to make this look cool

because this is super fun to me

bc i'm a loser

peace

wow

2006-10-13T00:09:27Z

That was the saddest run of my life. I went maybe a mile and I got really light-headed and dizzy. I wasn't really short of breath or anything.. just reallllly dizzy. I had to sit on a curb for a couple minutes. I hope that this was just a result of not getting enough sleep. Otherwise I need an MRI. I bet it's just from me getting next to no sleep. I might try to take a nap now so that i don't fall asleep while reading..

I hate feeling threatened. Back the fuck off. Get out of my space. Or I swear you will regret it.

I can't wait til November. I get my puppy then :D Me and my boy are driving to NYC for the weekend and buying my baby and spending some time in the big apple. Very exciting... i haven't been since like June-ish.

Wow was that extreme bi-polar or what?

Okay naptime.

omg can i be normal now.. please?

2006-10-10T05:03:37Z

I'm in a really bad mood.

I hate feelling the way i'm feeling. Like i'm doing something wrong. I might be.. because obviously I have a problem with how i'm doing things. I shouldn't have to try this hard. I shouldn't have to try to feel a certain way. This should be more natural. But apparently i'm nature's joke so i am made to feel feelings only when it's inappropriate.

I hope i feel better tommorow. My headache is immune to pills and caffeine. it's a killer. i hope it's not a migrane bc my mother gets debilitating migranes and i see how miserable she is.

Class tommorow is going to be no fun. at least i'll be well rested tho. OMG I WANT TO STAB MY BRAIN AND MAKE IT HURT LESS. AND YES I REALIZE THAT MAKES 0% SENSE BUT I CANT THINK STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW. i'm slowly going insane. and i also love how guys come out of the woodwork and wanna chill only after they know i'm not single. and it's like fucking 3 different guys who don't know eachother too.. like they like to see if they can break me and my bf up. guys are fucking retarded.

okay i'm going to watch some bad tv or something and hopefully sleep soon.

bushatemybaby @ 2006-10-09T15:59:00

2006-10-09T16:12:04Z

I'm so tired and dead and i don't want to get up today. maybe i wont. i think i should do some serious homework. maybe i'll get up off my ass and buy a giant starbucks coffee and sit and read the stupid canterbury tale and my stupid history book and my stupid humanities book. i'm dead right now. literally.

haha i def had a phone convo last night that i don't remember. that's how sleep-deprived i was.. and still am. i slept for 12 hours.. but my body still feels heavy. i hope i'm not getting sick..

So my window better get paid for or i'm going to call the police. i'm getting an estimate tommorow. i need to save my money so i can get my puppy.

Okay i think i might sleep more.

music...

2006-09-28T04:16:53Z

I love how music effects mood. I was listening to really upbeat music earlier and i felt really good. Now I'm listening to Counting Crows and my mood shifted pretty drastically. It's so funny how something that seems so small makes me feel so much. Is this normal? This music doesn't conjure up any memories bc it's a new cd to me. So it has to be the music itself. I think i am going to shut it off soon because i'm feeling a little sad. And nostalgic. And I hate feeling that way because it's always about one person. And i don't want to think about him. I want to forget about him because it hurts so much. I'm still pretty bruised and raw from that letdown. And I can't get over it fully. Like i can forget when i'm with people.. but nobody really understands what it feels like. Because nobody really knows what i had. So i can't really talk about it. Well.. i can talk but nobody really cares to listen. And i feel bad talking to people. And i hate how when i do they fight with me about my feelings. Don't tell me how i should feel. Your opinions don't matter. I was willing to throw my young life away for him. And luckily i realized this was a waste. But that's only because he chose the bottle over me. What if he never started with it? Where would we be now? Would everything still have fallen to pieces? I am kinda grateful in a way because now i can live like my age. I don't have to act like i'm married. And I can find people who actually stay up past 8. And don't work at a dead-end job. And i can have fun with my boyfriend.

I'm really afraid to let myself feel. I have a persistant thought in the back of my head that i am going to be let down if i do. Because i always get let down.. It's never initially been my fault. Though later i don't help the situation.. I still don't tell the first lie or start the first fight. Don't get me wrong.. i really like my new boy. But I am just worried that i will get hurt again. I don't know if i can stand to be hurt anymore. I don't think he will. I have good feelings. I dunno. I need to feel better about things. Like i feel alright when i'm with him.. and i know that he doesn't have bad intentions.. but i need some time to be comfortable.

But i'm going to stop writing. Peace

maybe i'm a fool..

2006-09-19T03:14:32Z

Wow yeah.. stuff. I'm feeling very stuck right now. I don't know how to feel or react to a lot of things in my life. And it kinda sucks a lot. Like I want to be in love and enjoy spending time w/ him but stuff just doesn't feel okay. And this makes me mad. But it's like.. what am i gonna do? If it's not right now.. it's never going to be. I'm going to give it a little more time i think. just b/c of our history. idk what to do!!! TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO

I'm watching aqua teen hunger force right now and it's veryyy interesting. Ha! Yeah i'm a dork so i bought a whole bunch of athf dvds. yeah..

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo tired and i really want to sleep but i can't. And my brain is not forming logic anymore. I cant make sentences that work w/o thinking about it very hard.

Alright well i'm going to go bc i'm on the phone with a boy :D

humdedum

2006-09-17T04:29:55Z

So yesterday was fun. It made me really regret not living on campus at school. I just feel bad making my parents spend $10,000+ a semester for housing. Oh well.. I mean i probably couldn't deal with living with ppl anyway.

I am so tired but i can't sleep. I'm stuck. Oh no! Unstuck me! And I want to go out to the living room but my weirdo hippy aunt is staying the night and i don't want to get stuck talking to her. She always blesses me and talkes with me about organic farming. I'm not a farmer... i don't care.

OMG i think i need to go to sleep now. I'm seeing double and I am not really thinking so sensically.

Um.. do u think you could comment fuckers? Yea i think u can..